oh christmas tree

Today some friends drove us out to Ikea. We've had our perfectly perfect fake Christmas tree for two years now, and it's decorated and lovely, filling the living room with a glow, but when I saw the stack of REAL Christmas trees in the parking lot, I thought, oh I love how a Christmas tree smells, I have to have one. 

After shopping and the darling lunch they serve there at the Ikea restaurant, Peter and I headed outside to the Christmas tree lot. "Skolka?" Peter asks. "How much?" Almost two thousand rubles, just under $80. My thought: "Fine." Peter's thought: "For a second Christmas tree? For a smell?" 

I insist. Peter is whisked away by a Santa-hatted helper to pay inside. In two minutes--a miracle considering how long the lines are in Ikea--he's back. I'm trying to choose a tree. Here is what makes it hard. All the trees are swaddled in a cocoon of netting. In spite of this, Russians are happily picking out trees. I've never had to choose a tree based solely on its height while it's wrapped up like a mummy. I can only guess at each tree's proportions, girth and whatever other attributes a tree might have. Is it even, is it lopsided, is it too wide, too weird? Who can tell one Christmas tree tube from another? Peter is waving around our $80 receipt, demanding I choose a tree and I'm like, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm American. Can't I see them naked?

"What is everyone saying?" I ask Peter. I mean, there is a crowd of people choosing trees, I'm trying to figure out by what criteria you choose a tree when it's wrapped in a straight jacket. In response, Peter wails, "We don't even have a stand!"

"Oh god, you're right, forget it." I'm overwhelmed by how worked up he is and how silly the whole thing is, even though I'd already cleared a place for it in the house, had it make friends with the fake tree, strung lights on it and tied those little Swedish heart-shaped gingerbread cookies we'd bought in Ikea all over it mentally. 

So I make Peter go back in Ikea to "return" the tree.

At the returns counter you must take a number, Peter takes two numbers, 28 and then, inexplicably, 41. Forlorn looking Russians pack the returns area, they look like they've just come back from the gulag with their whiny toddlers in snowpants and a dresser that came without a knob. We ask a clerk how long the wait is. "One to two hours," she tells us, and she gives us a look like I work in the returns department of Ikea in Russia and you want me to feel sorry for you?

"Forget it," Peter says.

"Well, you might as well get a tree then," says the husband-friend who drove us. He is waiting for us with the car engine running, witnessing Christmas-tree-gate. "Oh, I make my husband buy Christmas trees and return them every day of the week," says the wife-friend, which in the polite South where they are from means, "We are never bringing these people with us anywhere ever again!"

I'm back to blindly choosing a tree by its height and moisture content. There is something about this process that renders me helpless. Okay, if you can't choose a good one, choose a big one, I think, quoting my Uncle Sonny.

A prospective Christmas tree-buyer walks up and asks Peter how much the trees are. Is Peter calm with his answer? "I don't know! How much is this?" He shakes the receipt at him. "Why don't you have him buy the tree from us?" I ask. Heck, we'll sell him our receipt for a thousand rubles and go home happy at this point. "I don't even want a tree!" Peter loses it. "I paid almost TWO THOUSAND RUBLES for a tree I don't want, and that I won't be able to make stand up!" The two Santa-hatted guys working the Christmas tree lot try not to smile at Peter-the-spitting-Christmas-tree-owner.

One of them says, "I'll take you to talk to the manager." 

Peter comes out of Ikea smiling. I picked up a sprig of fir branch lying on the ground and sniffed it during the one hour drive back. For free! We brought in our packages, and then spent the evening enjoying the glow of our perfectly perfect fake Chirstmas tree. 

Comments

[Natalie]

What a great story. Thanks for the chuckle. I was imagining you guys at Ikea during this ordeal. Hee hee!
Merry Christmas! We love and miss you all.

[clay]

Oh Dina, you survived, and such trauma makes a good writer. Very evocative and interesting. A+.
Merry Christmas.
(ps. next time get some Pine essential oil and spray it on your fake tree.)

[clay]

Oh Dina, you survived, and such trauma makes a good writer. Very evocative and interesting. A+.
Merry Christmas.
(ps. next time get some Pine essential oil and spray it on your fake tree.)

[clay]

Oops posted twice somehow.

[clay]

Oops posted twice somehow.

[clay]

ps. the last one was a joke.

[Tina]

Oh my, what a shopping venture. Couldn't you buy a stand there too?

Next time you're in the US, stock up on Yankee Candle's balsam and pine jar candles. I have one burning in my kitchen and it's great.

[The Expatresse]

Oh! Big Hugs! I felt every moment of this adventure. I can go with the flow most times, but every now and then I, too, must assert my American-ness. I once created a small scene in a McDonald's in Slovakia when I wanted a little ice for a Coke . . .
http://bratislavababy.blogspot.com/2007_06_01_archive.html

[The Expatresse]

Afterthought: You know, I think I have TWO tree stands here in Moscow. Next year if you are still here, call me!

[melissa]

did peter get the full $80 back?!

And even though I have and love a real tree...a fake tree is more environmental and "green"

The environment will be happy with you this year

[S.]

My daughter's best friend here in NY was fascinated to learn that we grew up (in Ore.) with the tradition of cutting down our own tree. Today however, I'm afraid our tiny NYC apartment, and the lack of control for the heat of the apt. doesn't allow for a live tree or fresh greens. But I delight in recalling back when I would hang fresh Magnolia or sometimes Boxwood garland and wreaths adorned with gorgeous ribbon throughout the house. But I must say, our lil 2 ft wire tree from Pier One Imports that is currently on display -- is as festive as can be! And I bet she'd be eager to make friends with your fakey!

-- Thx for the fun story

Cheers!
Sheree

[gr]

Sound like an episode of Christmas neurosis.

I bought a living tree and now I feel guilty that I'm "hurting" it with lights and ornaments.

[MoscowMom]

We went through a similar experience our first year... Drove me nuts that you couldn't see the trees unwrapped... But once it's unwrapped, GOOD LUCK getting it home without ending up stabbed all over (we didn't have a car then)...

Now I swear by my Yankee candless in Christmas Wreath and Balsam Pine... They smell SO real!

[mc]

You're killing me! (It's funny but it's not), it's great to keep your sense of humor and I love you for it. Melissa is totally right, I have gilt fellings for being part of cutting down baby trees, (yes they're farmed but still). I shouldn't tell you but I will anyway; We buy our tree in Woodland CA (effectually know as Woodpile) from Bill Whidlock who brings' em from Oregon, and I won't tell you how much we paided though! I agree with Clay; get yourself some of those pine tree air fresheners people hang on their rear view mirrors and hide' em on the tree in the back somewhere. we all really miss you, we especially miss those late late night gift wrapping parties we use to have.

[MamaLana]

Eighty dollars for a smell?? LOL LOL LOL I'm still in shock that you have Ikea in Moscow. Wow. Merry Christmas my dears.

[Jim Madril]

ROTG LMAO

Dina! You kill me girl!! I can see both you and Peter doing this and I really feel for Peter LOL! You have the best stuff, please keep it up!

Memo to Self - Don't let Dina do my laundry and don't take her tree shopping.

[Oga]

This story would have made a classic episode of I Love Lucy.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Merry Christmas!

[Annie]

What a funny - and oh-so-true-to-life sort of post. I loved it. I was really glad it wasn't me...as it could have been.

After going back to a real tree to satisfy my Sergei the first year he was here - this year he begs me - "can't we use an artificial tree this year, mom?" He (because I presumed he was in love with the whole natural tree thing) was put in charge of putting it up and taking it out. This responsibility had apparently changed his viewpoint somehow.

[kate]

Greetings from St. P!

Just wanted to say, in case you're looking for a tree for next year, that I got a potted one from Okey for 800 roubles.

I was disappointed it didn't really smell, though...

Returning things in Russia--you are brave souls!

[kate]

Greetings from St. P!

Just wanted to say, in case you're looking for a tree for next year, that I got a potted one from Okey for 800 roubles.

I was disappointed it didn't really smell, though...

Returning things in Russia--you are brave souls!

[Tyra]

I teach emnvroniental politics. I have very strong emnvroniental conscience. But I can't help but totally applaud you for this post. Damn LED lights. Give me my white incandescents.

[Joost]

Funny stuff! You're such a sap, I love it. Tree's grogeous, you're a good daddy and a great husband. Tangled lights aren't for sissies.Good work!

[Engin]

21, 2010 0 cotmenms TweetI hear Perry Como singing, It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, as I step over boxes, open the door and greet the newest member of the family, the Fed Ex